Ah, the joys of preseason football -- the excruciating humidity, the oddball start times, the season-ending injuries, the lack of drama, the third-string positional battles, the hyper-reactivity of local beat writers. For the love of all that's holy, when will it be over?

As wonderful as certain aspects of the NFL may be, it's difficult to deny the inaninity and general annoyance of pro football's "exhibition season." Last week provided several more perfect examples.

To start with, you simply can't win. If your starters play well but the reserves lose the game, it goes down as a loss ... or a win that coaches are forced to qualify in postgame sound bytes ("Well, our first unit actually had more total yardage than their's during the first quarter"). If your starters leave the field trailing, the reserves could outscore their opponents by 40 and it wouldn't matter; you simply won "gar-bahhj" time, as they say in the NBA.

The Packers have illustrated this point beautifully in each of the past few weeks. Both Atlanta and Cleveland sent the Pack's first-teams packing, but second-half rallies gave the faithful something to be mildly happy about the next morning ("Hey, Herbert Goodman looked real strong in the second half, didn't he? I mean, REAL strong"). But even those performances come with a caveat -- so and so on the other team was hurt, neither side was "game-planning," or the opposing team was actually not on the field at the time.

(Sidenote #1: If you're not game-planning, then you shouldn't "game.")

OK, so the games are boring. Get over it, right? But they're not just boring. They're also destructive.

The Packers lost an emerging Bryant Westbrook, possibly a starting safety this year, and longtime veteran Gilbert Brown to freak, season-ending injuries in the second of five practice games. We'll see them next in 2004 (or possibly never, in Brown's case). Saturday night, the Falcons and the NFL lost marquee quarterback Mike Vick to a broken leg, which will cost him at least four regular-season games -- all for the sake of a meaningless exhibition game scramble.

(Sidenote #2: How amazing does Brett Favre's consecutive games streak look now?)

(Sidenote #3: Knock on wood.)

Injuries are random and generally unavoidable, but they're also a lot more likely to occur across five preseason games than across two or three. In fact, they're 150 percent more likely than if there were only two preseason games, and 67 percent more likely than if there were only three.

Is there really an answer to the injury problem? Putting a red "no-hit" jersey on the quarterback may sound ridiclous to a lot of people, but not to anyone in Georgia.

Plenty of people have suggested adding two regular-season games to the schedule in lieu of the final two exhibition games, which sounds good to me. In that case, at least injuries wouldn't be utterly meaningless.

Of course, the NFL Players Association isn't likely to feel the same way -- if they can avoid debilitating injuries during spot duty, preseason games are essentially a night off for NFL starters. Why work two extra games for the same pay?

Scheduling preseason games every other weekend beginning in early August is another idea. That would allow teams to ramp up for the start of the regular season while subjecting fans to less boredom and players to less danger. But intrasquad scrimmage games would result in much smaller gate receipts than glorified preseason affairs.

Maybe my real issue is with the way the games are reported (Cover your eyes, it's the ole "Blame the media" argument). Do I need Phil Simms and Greg Gumbel analyzing every last moment of the Browns-Packer game Friday night, expounding on the trivial and battering the obvious? Do I need Packer beat writers to panic about the state of the team's defense and clamor for solutions before the season's first Lambeau Field brat has been burnt? Is it my fault for paying attention?

In answer to the last question, probably so. In fact, the participants themselves can barely hide their contempt for the proceedings.

Mike Sherman after the Chiefs game: "Typical preseason first game. We had seven penalties in the first half. Those things happen in preseason."

Mark Hatley after the Atlanta game: "We've got to get better. We haven't gotten any turnovers. It's preseason."

"It's hard to judge in preseason," Rick Spielman, a front office member with Miami, told the Journal-Sentinel after the Falcons game. And later, he added, "But you don't game-plan in preseason." Of course you don't!

"It's an exhibition game," Bears coach Dick Jauron said after the Broncos rallied in the final minute to beat the Bears in meaningless fashion Saturday. "Thankfully they don't count."

Unfortunately, they count every place but where it really matters. Players get hurt, fans pay normal ticket prices, broadcasters charge ad rates -- and all for a less-than-glittering final product.

Are exhibition games a necessary evil? Maybe, but colleges seem to get by without them. Bring on the regular season two games earlier next year -- otherwise, wake me up when it arrives.