By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published May 30, 2017 at 2:56 AM

We all assumed that this season of "The Bachelorette" would be better than Nick Viall's run on "The Bachelor" because, well, there was nowhere to go but up. Even just two episodes in, though, Rachel's season is demolishing the past year like everybody demolished Lee on the basketball court. Last year, in the second episode, we had that miserable wedding photo shoot, that weird trip to the break-ups museum that shouldn't exist, and Nick and former one night stand Liz being awkward. Even Corinne was just beginning to summon her Corinne-ing powers. 

This season? We've got Kareem Abdul-Jabbar laughing at dudes doing their best "Along Came Polly" impressions, guys spiking fake babies into the ground, Rachel verbally slapping liars in the face and a whole dog festival. I repeat: A FESTIVAL OF DOGS!

I finally understand what people mean by peak TV. 

Before we get to the dogs, however, we've got to deal with some dolls. For her first group date, Rachel assembles a few dudes together for a baby-themed obstacle course in the hopes of testing their fatherhood prowess – with "Bachelorette" superfans and super-couple Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis helping judge the race. Kunis apparently drinks white wine watching the show, which either means that barrel of Jim Beam must still not be done or a whiskey ad exec just got very depressed. 

As an father outside of the show, fan favorite pro wrestler Kenny seems to be a shoo-in to win this race of pixelated poop, Babybjorns and clogged drains. But with a lot of enthusiasm and an impressive stiff-arm, it's Lucas – freaking Whaboom Guy – who takes the trophy, earning a chintzy medal and a chance to do his signature howl for Ashton and Mila. They respond according: with judgmental silence and mental health concerns. Also, there's no way any baby survived that sprint – even before Whaboom Dude Gronk-spiked his doll into the dirt and Blake dropped the mic by dropping the tike. I hope Rachel's not actually using this as a fatherhood barometer, because each of these guys would receive very stern visits from Social Services. 

Gronk spike, WHABOOM and accidental fake baby drowning aside, Monday night was a oddly banner night for Lucas, who occasionally demonstrated behavior one might construe as ... an adult human? Maybe it's because he set the bar for maturity on the ocean floor last week, but Whaboom Guy seemed like a decent dude, even sneaking in some sweet lines during his one-on-one time with Rachel. Last week, I wanted him launched into the sun; after this episode, I merely want him launched into the atmosphere. IMPROVEMENT!

This is a frustrating development, however, for our aspiring drummer Blake, whose drumsticks are all in splinters over Whaboom Guy – so much so he spends most of his private time with Rachel complaining about him. Then he complains more to Lucas' face, talking about some past experience with Whaboom Dude that proves he's there for the wrong reasons. Yet like Taylor with Corinne last season, Blake – who, reminder, spent most of his introductory video package talking about his junk – manages to out-annoy the supposedly annoying contestant, just sounding vague and whiny. 

It doesn't matter anyway, because neither of them get the rose. Instead, it goes to ... Dean? "I'm going black, and I'm not going back" Dean?! Apparently Rachel likes the stupidity that showed, but she pronounced "stupidity" as "confidence."

Luckily, things improve on the solo date with Madison Peter and a surprise third wheel: her pup Copper, who is crippled for reasons the show fails to explain. WHAT HAPPENED TO COPPER!? We demand answers. Anyways, the three set off to Palm Springs, where there's an event called Barkfest – and dear readers, it is dog heaven. Doghalla. Puppervana. Somewhere there's an audio guy losing his mind trying to get a decent sound mix with all the dogs barking and howling about, but who cares about him when PUPPIES!

Better yet, there's some puppy love blossoming at the puppy-palooza between Rachel and Peter – a feeling that continues into the evening's dinner, where the two chat about ... dentistry and mental health? And it works? It seems authentic and genuine – and there's a key to this season's success. Last year, Nick rarely had a conversation that seemed real, always beating the same "I've been dumped on this show twice" drum or giving bland, dead-eyed responses to his dates. Rachel, on the other hand, has an actual conversation with Peter. The two talk about real stuff and flirt, and she reacts and responds to what he's saying rather than a conversation of just, "You're beautiful/You're handsome." I like her – and I like her with Peter on this dinner, complete with a kiss for dessert. Also fireworks, which means all those dogs were likely losing their minds. 

We move from dogs to dunks, however, as it's off to basketball with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who attempts to whip Rachel's second group date dudes into something that's not sub-Washington Generals. He fails, yet somehow the producers manage to gather a crowd of excited extras to watch two pre-secret stuff Tune Squads battle it out. DeMario stands out, however, hitting some shots and swiping a pass for an easy breakaway dunk. His team may have lost, but I bet Skip Bayless already proclaimed he's better than LeBron.

One problem: One of the extras in the crowd wasn't an extra; it was DeMario's girlfriend Lexi – or at least somebody he was dating recently enough to still have her keys, she tells Rachel. Rachel summons DeMario, who sees Lexi and goes through about 20 different facial reactions – all as transparent as the 50 or so lies he pulls out in the following interrogation. Bad news, dude: Lexi came with the receipts, busting out text messages from DeMario. There's dribbling the ball off your foot, and then there's dribbling the ball off your foot, breaking your ankle in the process, landing on a splinter on the floor and then having the Jumbotron fall and crush you. 

After he bumbles around some more for words, Rachel politely tells DeMario that "I'm really gonna need you to get the f*ck out," and America rejoices with assorted yas queens, slays and praise hands emojis. And DeMario complied. 

OR DID HE!?

After a nice therapy session with the rest of the non-philandering group date guys – nothing to bring up the self-esteem like a baker's dozen of dudes praising your every blink –  DeMario pops up outside the mansion's gate, attempting a "Can I steal Rachel for a second?" with security and Chris Harrison. Harrison passes along his message to Rachel, who decides, oh what the hell, this could be interesting.

But really, you think Rachel's going out to meet him, dressed in that incredible dress and mink jacket, to give him a chance in hell? Nope to infinity. She's exclusively making that trip for his misery and for her entertainment. She should walk out there with a big ol' glass of rosé, let him speech for five minutes, cackle, head back to the house without a word and then have a dance party with Copper while blasting Beyonce's "Sorry." The rest of the guys – all headed out to greet DeMario as well, drunk on overconfidence, self-appointed protector status and machismo – can then chase him down the street throwing sticks and yelling, "And stay out!"

Even if that doesn't happen after this cliffhanger, we're still infinitely more fun than last season.

Gone

DeMario. I mean, technically, he's still around, but no, he's gone. At least now he can finally get around to dropping off his ex's keys though.

Contenders

1. Peter

He held the car door open for both Rachel AND COPPER. I nominate marriage now. 

2. Kenny 

The wrestler may not have won the baby race or the group date rose, but the guy's easily won over the entire audience with his sweet backstory and demeanor.

3. Josiah

Between his tragic then inspiration backstory and his cocky swagger during the initial meet-and-greet, Josiah came out of the blocks hard in the premiere. He disappeared for most of this second episode, but he came through on the final group date when Rachel needed a pick-me-up after DeMario's douchebaggery – earning the group date rose in the end. 

Pretenders

1. DeMario

More like DeMariNO, WHAT'RE YOU DOING COMING BACK TO THE MANSION!? I'll give the world's least favorite pick-up basketball player this: There's no quit in him. Also not a lot of brains. 

If we're saying DeMario's gone, however, this spot goes to Adam, who I'm pretty confident had less screen time than his creepy-ass Annabelle-knockoff doll of nightmares. 

2. Blake

If Blake's going to continue this jihad against Whaboom Guy – and this clumsily – he can aspire to be a drummer somewhere else, please. 

3. Lucas 

Lucas may have revealed a new side to him this episode, but when Ashton Kutcher – star of "Dude, Where's My Car?" – gives your loud catchphrase the death stare, it might be time WhaReconsider your life choices. And also get Whabooted off this show, please.

Oh, and hey Jonathan, professional tickle fiend: DO NOT THINK WE HAVE FORGOTTEN. 

Oh hi, Wisconsin!

Let's see what Peter has to say about his hometown of Madison while talking one-on-one with MU grad Rachel!

Hurtful, Peter.

Line of the night

If Rachel ditches Kenny, I'll date him. 

Mom-mentary

Rachel's verbal backhand slap to DeMario certainly earned an excited WOO! from the Madre and Hermana Mueller, but even that moment couldn't hold a candle to the real stars of the night: Copper and his Barkfest buddies. Honestly, ABC, make a spin-off show with Copper ASAP. You've even got a tagline: "He may be Copper, but he's got a heart of gold." I'll expect my check in the mail. 

Meanwhile, it's only fitting for an episode with a fatherhood challenge that Padre Mueller made a brief cameo for the first 15 minutes of the episode. I tried very seriously explaining the backstory about Adam's evil Chucky doll, to which my dad quickly escaped to the basement to watch the Stanley Cup finals and probably think about how he went so wrong as a father. 

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.