Near the end of Monday night's new episode of "The Bachelorette," one of the all-too-plentiful Chads still remaining on the show said something that made me drop to my knees and howl "NOOOOOO!" to the heavens: "No more golden underpants; it's time to get serious." Hard pass. It makes me sad when this show abandons its silly, dumb reality goofiness – almost as sad as an episode of "The Bachelorette" that spends way too much time with boring people we barely know. 

We started off strong, at least, picking up at the cocktail party from last week. Blake, while taking some one-on-one time with Becca in what looks like a dim college dorm, asks how many kids she'd like someday. She says three; he says three too, but he used to only want two (probably up until the moment she said three).

But more importantly, male model Jordan is wearing a collared shirt without a tie, so clearly things could get crazy. Becca passes along a gift to Zoolander Jr. during their alone time: his pair of golden underwear from last week. It might as well be a Olympic gold medal to Jordan, though, who starts sniffing his unfortunate undies and bragging about how he's going to brush his teeth with them. Four out of five dentists agree: They are confused and very uncomfortable now.

So obviously Jordan's riding high, but he's quickly shot down by the return of Chicken Man, back from the hospital after rolling out of his bunk bed last week. Apparently Jordan's chats with God about smiting his enemies didn't work out. And despite last week's ballyhooed blurred face, he looks pretty good for somebody who battled gravity and lost pretty badly – some cuts and gnarly bruises but by no means the Elephant Man the show teased he'd be. Jordan, on the other hand, is all too delighted by David's new look, saying he looks worse than he could've expected.

Frankly, it's Jordan's worst look so far on the show, less doofily self-serious and more just mean. Thankfully, Becca puts him in his place by giving David a pre-ceremony rose, causing Jordan to give the camera a baffled glance like he's Jim on "The Office" and boldly proclaim that, "All I know is I'm Captain Underpants." YAY, DOOFUS ZOOLANDER JR. IS BACK!

He's sticking around too, as he earns a rose at the long-delayed ceremony. Meanwhile, some random Chad supposedly named Nick is wearing a tracksuit? He seems very impressed with himself for the bold strategy of dressing like a low-level Russian gangster – at least a lot more impressed than the show's producers, who ignored his wonky wardrobe choice until they literally couldn't anymore. He must've forgotten we've already had Jordan spend a rose ceremony in his skivvies and a blanket drapery this season.

Still, he gets a rose while two other random Chads leave the mansion without any real goodbye or tear-filled final statements. Even the show is like, "Who were you again?"

We have no time for goodbyes anyways, because it's time to say hello to Park City, Utah as well as our first date of the evening, a solo date with Garrett. The two visit an alpaca shop and drink some kind of magical yellow elixir in a coffee shop and go bobsledding with two married U.S. Olympians. They have a serious conversation about Garrett's past relationships – namely one that ended in divorce that causes Becca to have QUESTIONS – but the two still hit it off quite well and end the date with WHAAAAAAA! AN IMPROMPTU COUNTRY CONCERT?! ON "THE BACHELORETTE"?! WHY I NEVER!

In general, it'd be a fine date ... if "Bachelorette" fans didn't know what we now know about Garrett: that he's liked some cruelly transphobic and fat-shaming memes, along with some conspiracy theory nonsense, on Instagram, revealing what appears to be an ugly real-world worldview. He's recently apologized about the social media activity, but it sure puts a sour taste in your mouth during this supposedly sweet date. 

Meanwhile, back at Bachelor HQ: Park City branch, Lincoln reveals that he's a dumb flat-earther who thinks the planet is a big flat rectangle with corners and everything. It says a lot about Lincoln that this is only the second-most troubling revelation to come out about him this week. Hey, "The Bachelorette": Fix your damn vetting process. Because right now, between Lincoln, Garrett and Lee from last season, it seems like the only criteria is a chiseled jaw, nice abs and a willingness to debase oneself on television.

In a less science-hating, assault-friendly corner of the house, apparently there's a person named John who really would like a one-on-one date. So he's clearly doomed – and also out of luck, because it's Wills who gets the solo date. Do you know why I love Wills? Not only does he reintroduce himself to the camera (he knows he hasn't gotten enough screen time) but he's even wearing a sweatshirt that has his name on it. THIS SHOULD BE STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE FROM HERE ON OUT. Then I wouldn't have to call everyone on this show Chad.

But before Wills gets his sweet solo time with Becca, she's got a group date with the rest of the bros: a big ol' lumberjack bash full of axes and chopping wood and climbing big wooden poles and golden opportunities for double entendre. And because I am mentally a fifth grader, I will take advantage of them all. So while all the bros take a turn whacking at their wood, some of them – namely Jean Blanc, Lincoln and Chris R. – have ... performance issues, unable to deal with their wood in satisfying fashion. Maybe the wood was too hard or the size of the wood was a problem, but no matter the case, they're unable to finish. I'm sure they swear this never happens. 

Anyways, after they finish chopping up logs (wait, what'd you think I was talking about?), they have a big final competition – like "Double Dare" but more dangerous. There's ax-throwing (it's not just for trendy bars!) and two-man hacksaw-ing, all topping off by a race to the top of a wooden pole between Chad John and Chad Blake. Despite Chad #2's best efforts, Chad #1 pulls off the upset, winning the race as well as a nifty trophy and the honor of me finally learning his name: John. John? Well, I'm definitely never remembering that. 

After the dudes all clean up and de-flannel themselves, it's time for the date part of the evening. Colton decides he "wants the bullsh*t and antics to be done" so he takes Jordan aside to chide him for dancing in golden underwear, but it's a little hard to take Colton that seriously because he can't stop smirking and smiling while talking to the camera. Also: He's yelling at a fellow grown man about his underwear. 

That's not even the juicy drama, however; instead, that belongs to Jean Blanc, who throws Becca off by gifting her with a special scent (he's a "colognoisseur" for a reason, I guess) as well as a big bomb: the L-word. Unfortunately it hits like a stink bomb, as Becca doesn't feel the same way and doesn't feel comfortable keeping him around since they're not on the same page – especially since Becca had QUESTIONS about how sincere he was in the first place. Very valid QUESTIONS that only become more so when Jean Blanc, on the way out, decides to take everything back, trying to explain that he told her he was falling in love only because he thought that's what she wanted to hear – and also, hey, I got you that bottle of smell good, so you have to keep me around. How can a guy with a name as smooth as Jean Blanc be so gallingly ... not? Very confusing. Becca is confuddled too – but not about sending Jean Blanc right out the front door.

I never thought I'd be able to say this literally but here we are: Smell you later, dude!

Becca's so shaken up, and just straight up annoyed, by the whole ordeal that she nixes the group date rose and even the next day still can't concentrate. Thankfully "The Bachelorette" has just the cure for her Jean Blanc bummer: Wills. Nice, sweet, low-key, low-drama Wills. They jet around the snow and have fun, and it's a generally good time – if not exactly thrilling entertainment. Save for a brief conversation about that time Wills broke up with somebody because she wanted a "hall pass" – aka an open relationship – it's kind of boring. But I guess it can't all be dodgeball kids and Lil' Jon.

He gets a rose – and speaking of which, Becca hops straight into a second rose ceremony, no cocktail party necessary. The big drama is whether or not Jordan will stay ... but of course the producers Becca gives him the final rose of the night, sending Christon the former Globetrotter and Nick – who upgraded to an actual suit for this ceremony – home. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T WEAR THE TRACKSUIT, NICK! Just a lack of commitment. 

If I'm being honest, though, I need Jordan still on "The Bachelorette." Other than that brief stint of being just mean about David's wounded face, he's exactly the kind of doofus villain "The Bachelorette" needs, and nothing delights me more on this show than Jordan emphatically starting sentences and metaphors with no idea on how he plans to end them. I'll actually be sad when he inevitably leaves – but in the meantime, we have the final Male Model versus Chicken Man battle to look forward to.

Wow, what a sentence. We live in remarkable times.