It's been a long, bad, mostly boring season for "The Bachelor" Arie Luyendyk Jr., but credit where credit is due: The guy saved his worst for last.

Typically, during these finales, Chris Harrison says something like, "This will be the greatest, most romantic, most important episode in reality television history," and we all laughingly groan along at his melodrama and prepare for a perfectly average night of reveals and revelations.

But tonight, Harrison wasn't lying when he said that Arie was about to become "the most controversial Bachelor in history." And he wasn't lying when he said that it would be real and raw, as well. (He was lying, however, when he said Arie did this all in the name of finding love. Harrison, this show's 1-for-21 in couples staying together. "The Boss Baby" had better odds of winning an Oscar Sunday night than someone does of finding lasting love on "The Bachelor.")

Monday night's three-hour finale (or part one of the finale) was oddly the closest the show's gotten to truly becoming reality TV. It was just also gross and queasy – and all in the service of a forgettable star who never managed to be more interesting than a box of Corn Flakes. 

But first, we've got to get through all the boring stuff – and with three hours of "Bachelor" to get through, there was plenty of it. 

In lovely, scenic Peru, Arie is stuck between two women: Becca K. and Lauren B., who casually writes in her journal with a big ol' glass of champagne. After she's done probably writing, "Wow," 4,713 times, however, she gets to be the first contestant to meet Arie's family (well ... first after Krystal). And you can tell that the show's desperately trying to make her seem personable and interesting now. She's talking in complete, complex sentences and even delivers a toast to the family (that barely registers; I yearned for the days of Krystal's melodramatic tributes). She talks to the family about her fears of getting engaged again, how she's had to tear down her walls throughout this process very slowly and how Arie's helped with that. At no point does the family fall asleep while she's talking – so all in all, a victory for Lauren B. 

Meanwhile, it's Becca's turn, and while the family seems fine with her, Becca is not pleased that every question and sentence she hears is comparing her to Lauren. SHE IS A SIMMERING POT OF NERVES ... that unfortunately never boils over. So what verdict does the rest of the Luyendyk clan come to? That they like Becca and they like Lauren, and it'll be a tough decision for Arie. Wow, very useful input, guys. Glad we spent 40 minutes here determining that a difficult decision would be difficult.

Live back in Los Angeles, Harrison is hosting a screening party ... where nothing is happening. He brings Caroline on stage to clarify her very vague proclamation a week ago about what Arie's about to do  ... by talking more vaguely about what Arie's about to do. I know most of the world already knew tonight's shocking twist because "The Bachelor" gave up on hiding it and let People Magazine and the world report on it (which tells me they just wanted to wrap this season up and move on), so then just talk about it. Don't send Caroline out there to go, "He, uh, did a bad thing, and it's a very bad thing, and I guess we'll see what that bad thing is, but I'm upset." This season really set new records for discussing things the audience hasn't seen. 

Back in Peru, Lauren and Arie go on their final date together to Machu Picchu, one of the newly voted seven wonder's of the world. Unfortunately, Lauren and Arie have only a combined seven words to say about this incredible sight: "This place is crazy." "Insane." "Incredible." "Crazy." The mute lady from "The Shape of Water" had more to say. Lauren does say one interesting thing though: She mentions that she met Arie in Dallas, which ... I don't remember anybody meeting in Dallas this season. Did these two meet before the show? What happened in Dallas? MORE CONSPIRACY IS AFOOT!

Before I get all Oliver Stone's "JFK" on that, we've got more footage of Arie and Lauren being cute and talking about what their lives would be like together: coffee, dog-walking, work, dinner and wine. Reality TV bores: They're just like us! But really, this whole date feels like the show's trying to push Lauren B. as not a totally terrible and snooze-worthy choice – and failing. She does have a speckle in her left eye, though, so that's literally the most interesting thing about her. 

Meanwhile, back at the Los Angeles studio, nothing is happening. Sienne and Bekah M. are there, but unfortunately Sienne's voice couldn't make it. (See, Krystal, that's what it ACTUALLY sounds like when a person loses their voice.) Harrison then makes his first announcement that tonight will feature "the first uncut, unedited scene in reality history." He'll only mention this 117 more times tonight. 

But now it's time for Becca's final date with Arie, and maybe it's just because everyone else remaining on the show are mannequins, but she's so bright and interesting. She's rendered giggly by a little kid bouncing around in rain puddles and amazed by all the color in the Peruvian town (Arie's response: "Yeah, it's cool.") and just generally interested in the world around her. I don't know if I want Arie's sepia tone personality ruining her colorful, excitable personality. But first, we pet some llamas and give Arie a scrapbook. It's lovely and fun and nice, and now Arie seems stunned that making a decision would be hard. CUE DRAMATIC THUNDER IN THE SKY. 

Meanwhile, back at the Los Angeles studio, still nothing is happening. Former "Bachelor" stars Ben (the one who said "I love you" to both the final women) and Jason (the one who dumped his choice for the silver medalist) are there to provide two sentences each of analysis. None of it will help Arie, though, as Arie's managed to learn nothing from them and made exactly their same mistakes. He is the worst of both worlds. 

After Neil Lane drops by for his requisite product placement, it's decision time. And ... Lauren arrives first. Poor girl – not because she's going to get dumped, because the first girl always gets dumped, but because she has to walk through a disaster of a set to get to Arie. The whole riverside venue looks like the set dressers gave up midway through, and just threw some huge pots around and hay on the ground and let some alpacas wander around the set. It looks like a twister just roared through – and also the river behind Arie looks like the chocolate river from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."

Anyways Lauren B. survives her walk through the wreckage and gives Arie a big speech just for him to just start shaking his head no like a damn child who doesn't want peas. Eventually he uses his big boy words and says that she's not the one, to which she responds, "Why did you do that?" And honestly, Arie has no clue; he just figured out his plan that morning, which Lauren B. thinks is a chump move – and she's not wrong. But she takes her dumping like a champion – and hopefully she got an alpaca on the way out. 

Then Becca arrives and Arie ... does not look convinced he's made the right choice. He looks stressed as hell, like he's just discovered he's actually deathly allergic to alpacas, and even after he gives Becca the proposal and drops down to one knee, he looks only mildly pleased. Becca is understandably happy as hell though – so much so that, in their spinning happiness and hugging, they completely murder the final rose and chop its head off. Seems like an ominous metaphor, I don't know. Also, Arie almost immediately asks, "When are we gonna start having babies?"

The answer to that question? No time soon! Because Arie is about to ruin her life. 

After a few days of engaged bliss and making terrible pizza crust together, Arie can't stop thinking about Lauren B. ... to the point that he tells Harrison that he's calling off the engagement to Becca to get with Lauren. Sure hope she's still single, my dude! And the following sequence is "so real and raw" that the show shows it "unedited and uncut," as Arie meets up with Becca to break up with her (except the scene begins with a voiceover track and edits out the swear words soooooooo those are edits, Harrison). 

Cinematography semantics aside, the scene is admittedly one of the most fascinating things "The Bachelor" has arguably done – or at least the closest to legitimate reality television, as for about 30-40 minutes, the show just follows a couple break-up in real time. It's intense and uncomfortable and sloppy (the cameramen are right there in every shot) and true reality TV.

That being said, it's also pretty repulsive – especially when you first notice the cameramen quickly get into position in the background before Arie drops the hammer, and you realize that everybody in this room, everybody involved with the show, knows what's about to happen to Becca except for Becca. It's less of a breakup and more of an awful TV show prank, with everybody in on the joke except for this poor woman who thought she'd met the love of her life. It's fascinating television – but it sure feels awful as well to put an unassuming woman through this in the name of entertainment rather than letting her and Arie deal with this heartbreak in private.

Sure, it's true reality television – an ugly shame it's coming at a person's expense. 

To make matters worse, after the breakup happens and the meteor first hits, with the two talking about how they'd been dealing with his still-persistent feelings for Lauren as a couple, Arie just ... refuses to leave. Becca tells Arie to get out as she cries in private, but whether it was Arie being a moron or the director wanting those tears on camera, the doofus walks back into the house to awkwardly sulk around this ambushed, heartbroken woman that clearly doesn't want him around anymore. LEEEEEEEAVE DUDE. I'd say Arie can't take a hint, but Becca's not leaving him hints; she's straight-up telling him to get out. This goes on for another 15 minutes or so, with Arie saying he wants to talk still and Becca understandably having no interest whatsoever. But eventually, after being told about seven separate times, Arie finally leaves for good. I guess "The Bachelor" got all the crying footage they wanted. 

Meanwhile, back at the Los Angeles studio, something finally happened! Becca's there now, heartbroken but strong. I hope she still has the ring Arie gave her. Cash that in for some mad bank, girl. At least get paid for this heartbreak. Harrison asks her if she wants to see Arie again; she seems thoroughly unsure, which means that she's definitely seeing him again tomorrow night for part two of the finale (thanks Harrison).

Surely that will go as well as everything else this season for Arie.