Our long national nightmare is over.

Arie Luyendyk Jr.'s season of "The Bachelor" has concluded. We no longer have to see this bland box of Frosted Mini Wheats that was cursed into becoming a human in a skinny tie ever again.

This would normally be the part where I would usually write a long recap about the final episode, Tuesday night's live After the Final Rose studio session, but my work's already done. Bekah M., the face that spawned a thousand memes this year, gave me one final reaction shot that summed up the entire experience in one perfect image. 

So that's all, folks!

(*editor sends text message saying that I'm contractually obligated to have more to say*)

OK, maybe there's more. 

Usually After the Final Rose is just a nice victory lap, with maybe the final person eliminated having some gripes to air out to Chris Harrison before everyone goes their separate ways. But last night's conclusion had work to do. The After the Final Rose this year had to somehow find a happy ending to Arie's fustercluck of a season that ended with an ugly breakup that played more like a cruel episode of "Candid Camera."

So we got confrontations that weren't confrontations, explanations that explained little and then, because this is "The Bachelor," a surprise proposal ... that wasn't much of a surprise since Harrison stepped on his line and said, "There will be another proposal tonight," before immediately trying to correct himself with, "Will there be another proposal tonight?" Gonna go out on a limb and say yes!

Just in case you were hit on the head in the last 24 hours and lost all memory of what happened all those years ago on Monday night, we start with a recap. One thing "The Bachelor" still coyly fails to do, however, is explain the timeline of what all went down here. How long after the proper finale was this? How long were Arie and Becca together? And when did Lauren come into the picture? There's some basic storytelling details here that aren't being properly laid out, and I should not have to put together an episode of "The Bachelor" in my head like it's a freaking Christopher Nolan movie. 

Immediately something seems shady with the timeline because Arie almost immediately jets off to Virginia to get Lauren B. back, having a panic attack on her front porch while poor Becca is literally on a plane home from getting mercilessly dumped on national television. But while she's looking at old videos and photos, Lauren B. is popping out the front door of her house will a giant grin about seeing Arie again.

Oh, OK, I guess she knew this was happening all along – and, as we learn later in the show because apparently this story was assembled like "Dunkirk," Lauren B. knew Arie was interested in getting back together more than two months ago on New Year's Day when the show premiered as Arie slid into her DMs to ask for a conversation. What a creeper. 

Lauren B. asks some basic questions, Arie gives her some basic answers, and she's immediately convinced this convicted flip-flopping windsock is worth the trouble. Yay for love. Truly a most magical moment. 

Back in the studio, Harrison gathers up a Greek chorus of also-rans this season to talk the latest developments – and actually help explain the timeline since the show won't. Bekah M. sings the loudest. I love that Arie is getting schooled on relationships and maturity by the 22-year-old woman he criticized for not being mature enough for a real relationship. They all emphasize that they don't blame Lauren for this whole kerfuffle (never mind taking text messages and calls from an engaged ex clearly plotting to dump his fiancée), that this is all on Arie for doing the breakup on camera and that he "is not a genuine person.

He just says what he needs to say to get what he wants." Bekah M. then delivers the final blow, giving her advice and hopes for Lauren B.: "I hope she gets the hell out of there." We did not deserve Bekah M. this season. She is a gift that kept on GIFing. 

And Arie did not deserve Becca K., who comes out for a second night to answer questions about the time a TV show pranked her for "raw, real" funsies. Harrison immediately asks how she felt about the breakup being showed on television, in a way that sounds a whole lot like the producers covering their own butts. She says she got closure from watching the tape, and she did sign up for a TV show, and some other studio-scripted answers that make "The Bachelor" feel OK about itself again.

I'd probably feel better about a reality show's callous disregard for my emotions, however, if I discovered people were putting up billboards across the country to show support and mock my evil ex-boyfriend – including one in Times Square that the tech guy backstage couldn't get on the studio's screen like Harrison asked. See, this is why you test the Powerpoint out before the presentation.

Becca also apparently has people Venmo-ing her cash – $6,000! – for beer money. You people have too much expendable income. There are a lot of good causes in this world; giving a reality star money to dry her tears with is not one of them. Becca, like the good person she is, agrees and donates the cash to Stand Up to Cancer – and Harrison says "The Bachelor" will match the donation. So look at that, something decent actually came out of this multi-car wreck. 

But let's ruin that by bringing out Arie to talk to the woman he embarrassed on television.

Arie receives only the most tepid possible golf clap from the audience as he comes out and explains himself – but in the process only digs himself further into a hole that's already most of the way to China. He explains that he did the breakup on television so everyone would know it was on him – as if there were really that many answers provided by Monday night's 30-40 minute emotional torture session. He then almost but not quite blames Becca having to work and be away from him as his love reignited for Lauren B. POOR APPROACH!

The live crowd mostly sat in quiet judgment for most of the episode, but that brought out some well-deserved boos. Arie also noted he felt some emptiness after leaving Peru. Yeah, I'd feel a little sad too if my life of dating multiple gorgeous women in beautiful exotic countries without having to pay for any of my dates or accommodations was over. This pity party is cancelled. 

The show brings on Jason Mesnick – who pulled the same thing several seasons ago, just without the gross public humiliation part – to help Arie out, but even he said that he wouldn't have done the breakup on television. He also basically says to get out of "The Bachelor" spotlight as fast as possible, and that it can mess good people up, which doesn't seem like a ringing endorsement for the experience. "The Bachelor": It ruins good people and has a four percent success rate! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!

I wish I could, but first we have to bring out Lauren B., a moment accurately narrated by Bekah M. clearly mouthing, "I can't believe this" from the crowd. I nominate that all following "Bachelor" seasons receive Bekah M. play-by-play commentary. She's certainly better with her words than Lauren B., who notoriously only said 94 sentences this entire season. And after the following exchange from last night ...

Harrison: I can't imagine what's going through your head right now.

Lauren: Me either. 

... I can see why she didn't talk much! Lauren B. may be intelligent and well-spoken outside this world, but on "The Bachelor," it sure seems like just echoes, cobwebs and Instagram filters up there. After a little more vague timeline explanation, Harrison asks Lauren B. what it is she loves about Arie, and she explains that she loves his bravery (*snickers*) and his honesty (*spit takes*) and the amazing job he did handling this situation (*guffaws like a crazy person*) and that he couldn't have done it in a more respectful way (*actually dies*). These two are perfect for each other, and I hope they spend many happy years together sharing their one combined brain cell and 50-word vocabularies. 

Before they can leave the country and thankfully our lives, however, Arie has one last thing to do: propose to his new girlfriend while Becca is still in the building. Forget dropping to his knee; he might as well have dropped a big eggy fart, because nobody in the room was having it. The DMV has happier, more excitable crowds. 

But while hopefully they're gone forever, "The Bachelor" is far from done with Becca – because, surprise that is not at all a surprise, she's the new "Bachelorette." She had to be. After humiliating her on television for 40 "unedited, uncut" minutes and putting her through all of this heartbreak – not to mention shipping her crappy ex-boyfriend back into her life a few episodes back – the least the show could do is throw 20-some handsome dudes at her to ogle and make out with.

She DESERVES to just sit in a hot tub with sexy dudes for two months. The only person who might deserve it more is Bekah M., who is just a human meme machine. But maybe some other time. For now, the other Becca needs to put a bandaid on this horrible wound – a bandaid shaped like two dozen gorgeous dudes and free vacations to Bruges. 

Apparently we can't wait until May 28 for "The Bachelorette" Our Bad apology tour to begin, so Harrison throws the first five guys at her right there in the final 10 minutes of the show. Hey, two hours won't fill themselves – and we've only got so many "Splitting Up Together" ads!

Right off the bat, we've got a winner in Lincoln. He's cute, charmingly flustered and nervous, and HE'S GOT A FREAKING ACCENT. Don't blow this, Lincoln. He's followed by Chase, who looks like he works in the Trump White House. There's Ryan the banjo man, who strums and sings a fun musical tribute to Becca. Then he starts talking in short, bored one-word sentences, and you can see why he led with the banjo. Darius sets a new record for the fastest "I'm not here to make friends" in "Bachelor" history, while Blake ends the show by bringing out a horse named Bradley.

It's a fitting end to a season that was mostly horsesh*t.