MMA's national debut on CBS lacks a certain punch

It's highly unlikely that anybody in a Manhattan office will lose a job (or even a few hours of sleep) over this next two sentences, but I feel compelled to throw them out there, anyway:

1. I watched the heavily-hyped EliteXC mixed martial arts extravaganza that made its prime-time debut Saturday night on CBS.

2. I wasn't impressed.

Intrigued? A little.

Revolted? Maybe a little, particularly when the big British guy's cauliflower ear almost exploded.

Impressed? Not even close.

Again, the folks who study the focus groups and market research and try to sell we don't really need aren't going to be too worried. I'm probably not in the target audience for mixed martial arts, just as I'm not in the demo for ESPN's "X Games" or MTV's "The Hills."

I'm just a guy who has watched a lot of sports. I've actually been lucky enough to be paid to watch sports for almost my entire adult life.

And, I'm glad I haven't been assigned to the mixed martial arts beat.

Before you start in with the nasty Talkbacks and e-mails, please know that I'm not a hater. I watched this telecast with an open mind. I am aware that MMA has generated a lot of buzz over the past few years. I know the pay-per-view events have been enormous successes. I watched Chuck Liddell on "Entourage." I know that Kimbo Slice, the backyard brawler / bouncer who was expected to be the hero Saturday night and ended closer to the goat, was a YouTube sensation long before he glared at me from the cover of the current issue of ESPN The Magazine.

I know that MMA has a lot of buzz. I know the pay-per-view events have been gigantic successes. as a bit stunned when I saw Kimbo Slice, the star of the evening, staring menacingly at me from the cover of ESPN The Magazine. I know that there are a lot of intelligent and wealthy people (those two attributes don't always intersect) who think that MMA is going to enjoy a NASCAR like surge in popularity.

Only time will tell if that is in the cards. But, I don't think Saturday night helped.

EliteXC seems like a decent organization, but most of the MMA stars are in UFC. If you followed the IndyCar / Champ Car saga in recent years, you know what a split can do for business.

The main event featured Slice (real name: Kevin Ferguson), who resembles Mr. T's character Clubber Lang from "Rocky III," against James "The Colossus" Thomas. Slice got most of the attention heading into the evening. He's a former football standout. He was homeless for awhile. He was a backyard brawler who became a cultural phenomenon. And, most of the experts expected him to knock the Brit out in less than a minute.

Instead, the bout was far closer than expected. Slice, who had never ventured past the first round, got into trouble on the ground. Thompson, who was 16-9 and seemed to be hand-picked to be a scary-looking loser, pinned Slice to the mat and delivered some solid blows from above.

Thompson, however, was overmatched when both fighters remained upright. Slice landed roundhouse punches that dazed Thompson, who was bleeding from his ear, which was hideously deformed before the bout began.

With both fights looking exhausted, Slice landed some blows early in the third round and the fight was stopped. You'll probably hear speculation that the fight was fixed. Many in the crowd at Newark disagreed with the decision, as did CBS announcer Gus Johnson, a solid college basketball announcer who drew the assignment in part because of his interest in kung-fu, boxing and jiu-jitsu.

As I watched Johnson call the action, I thought back to Matt Vasgersian doing the XFL. It was hot for about 10 minutes and was dead before the first season. I'm not going to predict the demise of CBS's venture. But, I don't think it's going to be a runaway hit.

I know it has a built-in audience. I know there is an opening for a sport like this. Boxing is about as relevant today as the Latin language. Pro wrestling still has its core audience, but has lost steam as a pop culture sensation. MMA combines elements of both. It is raw. It is physical. It has compelling characters with interesting stories.

But, it didn't put its best foot forward Saturday night. And if the XFL and the X Games and Arena Football have taught us anything in recent years, it's that no amount of marketing and exposure can force the public to love something.

If you don't believe me, ask Taylor Hicks.