They say celebrity deaths come in threes. With the recent death of Steve Irwin at the hands, or more accurately, tail of a stingray, have we seen the first victim of the fabled death trilogy?
If this is indeed the case, the next logical question is "Who will round out the trio?" Before I continue I would like to state for the record that I would never wish ill will on anyone. However, for the sake of discussion, I have some thoughts and recommendations.
Paul Hogan -- There is no way you should regain the designation of Australia’s most beloved celebrity. If it were up to me, I would give the title and a vegemite sandwich to Colin Hay of Men at Work.
Abe Vigoda -- Die already Abe. Maybe it is just me, but the question "Is Abe Vigoda dead?" comes up way too often. This needs to be settled once and for all.
Oprah -- Wait a minute, we can't lose you. If we do, the entire female population of the planet earth would be lost in an emotional wilderness for years to come.
Ernest Borgnine -- The Circus Parade is gone. NEXT!
Jerry Lewis -- Anything to upset the French.
David Hasselhoff -- See above and replace French with Germans.
Rosie O’Donnell -- You're not funny anymore.
Ed McMahon -- We all know how great Johnny Carson was so stop riding the coat tails of a dead man.
Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Ryan Seacrest -- Sure it’s four people, but if we can get all of you in one fell swoop we could count it as one.
The Homeless -- Just kidding. Lighten up, will ya?
Joan Rivers -- You would save the embalmer a lot of time and effort. Your face is already done.
Kathy Griffin -- Shut the f*ck up you're giving me a headache.
Dick Cheney -- Put the nitro pills down. That pain in your left arm will go away. Really it will, trust me.
Ozzy Osbourne -- You're basically on life support as it is. Close the deal.
Clarence Clemons (E Street Band) -- You're one I would hate to lose, but when your contract rider calls for a whole roasted chicken in your dressing room after every show, you're playing with fire.
Any former MTV VJ -- Why not? It’s the only chance you'll have to get your name in print again.
Vince Vaughn -- Not you per se, but how about killing off the same damn character you play in every single movie. Can you say Jack Black?
Tom -- Sure, you claim to be everybody’s friend, but will you be missed by everybody? I think not.
Steve Guttenberg -- You're on the list because you chose to be in the TV remake of the "Poseidon Adventure" and more than one Police Academy movie. You're also an obscure reference. If you go, please do us a favor and take Michael Winslow with you.
All Deep South Republicans -- You have nothing to offer.
All Bleeding Heart Liberals -- I can take care of myself just fine. I don't need you to tell me what is and isn't good for me.
Patrick Swayze -- Nobody puts Baby in a corner. And if that isn't reason enough I have one word for you -- "Roadhouse."
Me -- Yes, I am aware that I don't qualify as a celebrity, but most of the talkback comments for this article will suggest I should be eliminated. I am just beating you to the punch.
These are just a few thoughts. Feel free to add your own. I am sure there are a few I have missed.
If this is indeed the case, the next logical question is "Who will round out the trio?" Before I continue I would like to state for the record that I would never wish ill will on anyone. However, for the sake of discussion, I have some thoughts and recommendations.
Paul Hogan -- There is no way you should regain the designation of Australia’s most beloved celebrity. If it were up to me, I would give the title and a vegemite sandwich to Colin Hay of Men at Work.
Abe Vigoda -- Die already Abe. Maybe it is just me, but the question "Is Abe Vigoda dead?" comes up way too often. This needs to be settled once and for all.
Oprah -- Wait a minute, we can't lose you. If we do, the entire female population of the planet earth would be lost in an emotional wilderness for years to come.
Ernest Borgnine -- The Circus Parade is gone. NEXT!
Jerry Lewis -- Anything to upset the French.
David Hasselhoff -- See above and replace French with Germans.
Rosie O’Donnell -- You're not funny anymore.
Ed McMahon -- We all know how great Johnny Carson was so stop riding the coat tails of a dead man.
Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Ryan Seacrest -- Sure it’s four people, but if we can get all of you in one fell swoop we could count it as one.
The Homeless -- Just kidding. Lighten up, will ya?
Joan Rivers -- You would save the embalmer a lot of time and effort. Your face is already done.
Kathy Griffin -- Shut the f*ck up you're giving me a headache.
Dick Cheney -- Put the nitro pills down. That pain in your left arm will go away. Really it will, trust me.
Ozzy Osbourne -- You're basically on life support as it is. Close the deal.
Clarence Clemons (E Street Band) -- You're one I would hate to lose, but when your contract rider calls for a whole roasted chicken in your dressing room after every show, you're playing with fire.
Any former MTV VJ -- Why not? It’s the only chance you'll have to get your name in print again.
Vince Vaughn -- Not you per se, but how about killing off the same damn character you play in every single movie. Can you say Jack Black?
Tom -- Sure, you claim to be everybody’s friend, but will you be missed by everybody? I think not.
Steve Guttenberg -- You're on the list because you chose to be in the TV remake of the "Poseidon Adventure" and more than one Police Academy movie. You're also an obscure reference. If you go, please do us a favor and take Michael Winslow with you.
All Deep South Republicans -- You have nothing to offer.
All Bleeding Heart Liberals -- I can take care of myself just fine. I don't need you to tell me what is and isn't good for me.
Patrick Swayze -- Nobody puts Baby in a corner. And if that isn't reason enough I have one word for you -- "Roadhouse."
Me -- Yes, I am aware that I don't qualify as a celebrity, but most of the talkback comments for this article will suggest I should be eliminated. I am just beating you to the punch.
These are just a few thoughts. Feel free to add your own. I am sure there are a few I have missed.
Kevin "KB" Brandt has been bringing Milwaukee radio listeners their morning sports for years. His "Sports With Intrigue" entertains, educates and challenges listeners to figure out which parts of his sportscasts he bothered looking up and which he guessed at.
In his spare time, KB buys vests, adds to his Bruce Springsteen Shrine and plays with his band, kb'smidlifecrisis (available for church festivals, bar mitzvahs and to fill opening slots for national acts.)
In his spare time, KB buys vests, adds to his Bruce Springsteen Shrine and plays with his band, kb'smidlifecrisis (available for church festivals, bar mitzvahs and to fill opening slots for national acts.)
