Things that tick me off during the holidays

I was rooting around my Facebook page the other night, and somewhere between absentmindedly stalking some of the "friends" I hadn't seen in awhile and realizing how wildly out of date my listed interests are, I re-discovered my Notes.

Some are kind of stupid, a few are clever enough for me to question whether I actually wrote them, but the ones that amused me most were the short-lived series of "Things That Piss Me Off ...," in which I rage on topics ranging from jerk drivers to creeps at the gym. (This, actually, should be revisited.)

Anyway, since my tweets (@Eenergee, by the way - gratuitous plug) have become increasingly jaded re: the holidays, I figured I should get it all out of my system in one singular Scrooge-fest, rather than bah-humbugging up the works in small, persistent doses for the rest of the year.

This might still happen. But, here's my best attempt at clearing the air:

1. The constant "Happy Holidays"/"Merry Christmas"/"Season's Greetings"/etc. fiasco - Look, hippies, I know you want everyone to be happy and included. And traditionalists, I totally get your freedom of expression. But this is all too much. I realize even belaboring the point is adding to the ordeal, but speaking as someone who got snarked at more than once during my time cash jockeying in retail for a variety of the phrases mentioned, it really doesn't matter what you wish someone. As long as you're not parting ways with a festive "Satan be with you," no one should care this much.

I think of every one of these as an earnest attempt to give a nice, December-related goodbye. Personally, I wish people happy holidays, as in "Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah of your choosing," plus New Year's (for the plural). Please, people. Calm down before you hurt yourselves.

2. Obviously celebrating a specific holiday but still calling your celebration a "holiday" one - This is an exception to my first point. The only time I get peeved when people use the generic "Happy Holidays" is when they are very clearly hosting a Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or whatever event. If your party has a freakin' Santa and Christmas tree, it's a Christmas party. Same with using the phrase "holiday tree." That's like saying "holiday menorah." You look silly.

3. The jewelry store/car ad influx - Who actually gives this extravagant crap as gifts, and will they meet me at the courthouse to sign a marriage certificate? But seriously, I get that these companies want to get in on the consumerist joy that is November/December as much as the next store. I just don't understand what good it's doing them. They might get a few more sales, especially for some of the cheaper jewelry (and I use that phrase loosely), but who's actually sitting at home wracking their brain to come up with something to get Aunt Mildred, when suddenly the lightbulb goes off: "I know! a $20,000 car!"

4. Holiday consumerism in general - This might be a poor person's argument (in fact, I know it is, because I'm making it), but one well-thought-out gift is better than 10 shiny things that are nice, but impersonal. And if you're buying someone a gift at all, shouldn't it be because you like them? Don't come at me with the "family obligation" argument, either. If you don't like aforementioned Aunt Mildred, I guarantee you she already knows it. No quantity of shiny things, nice-smelling stuff or new Lexuses (Lexii?) will convince her otherwise.

5. Real trees - I come from a home that always went artificial, and I've heard plenty of times it's "not the same." When I ask why, exactly, I always get the point that a real tree looks nicer and smells Christmassy.

OK.

First, I can barely tell the difference between the visual of a decked-out real tree and my parents', which has spent years lying dormant in a box between displays. Unless you're nose-to-proverbial-nose with the thing, you can't tell me you can tell the difference unless you're comparing with one of the pink aluminum novel-trees.

Second, real trees have the potential to look ghastly if you don't take care of them. Sorry, decorations that come with upkeep don't fly with me. If I wanted to water and maintain my decorative space-fillers I'd buy a damn Chia Pet. And as long as your tree didn't go up pre-Thanksgiving, like a crazy person, you don't even have to dust the thing. And when you're done, back in the box it goes. No muss, no fuss, no finding errant pine needles at Easter.

Third, the pine tree smell. It's awful. And if you really need it, buy a candle. So much cheaper.

6. That Paul McCartney Christmas song - Yes, this is petty. There are a lot of godawful Christmas songs. But it never fails that "Sim-ply, haaaaving, a wonderful Christmas time," gets stuck in my head every year, whether I actually hear it or not. It's it my head right now and I haven't even heard the thing once this season. It's the carnivorous earwig of the Christmas music world.

7. Lines, crowds and people in general - When I'm shopping for other people, I plan like nobody's business. I research, I check store floor plans and I know exactly what I need to get and where to find it. I'm a one-woman targeted assault on my Christmas shopping list, and this is why other people shopping in my personal space stop being people and start being infuriating obstacles in my holiday warzone.

Yeah, it's busy and crowded, and that's the nature of shopping in December. That's why I do most of my shopping online and in clothes not fit for public visual consumption. But, when I'm forced into clothes that aren't high school jeans and oversized t-shirts and driven to the store (or God forbid, the mall), please stop being in my way. Stop walking slow and stop g*ddamn stopping in the middle of the walkway in front of me. I will steal your cart and/or small, crying child, regardless of whether or not I need either, and I will donate them to the Salvation Army.

I'm going to stop here, partly because I think I covered everything (I'm sure I didn't) and partly because you're all probably sufficiently offended or already constructing scathing talkbacks.

I really do love Christmas - really. That's not me equivocating in the slightest. I'm just not so much for the things I have to endure to get there.

And if it makes you feel better, I would never actually steal a small child. They're usually sticky.

Happy holidays!