When one watches "Dancing with the Stars," you expect a certain amount of sloppiness in the routines. These are, after all, just wrinkled old celebrities or Disney pop idols or that one guy who was famous for those 15 seconds for doing that thing. But you don't expect the SHOW ITSELF to be a full-speed clown car collision on the Autobahn. I mean, we've only been doing this for 401 episodes now.
In case there were any doubts ABC's hot-stepping celebs show was live, last night was sloppy enough to make the final 10 minutes of the Oscars seem smooth and organized. Mics got all tangled out of a dancer's costume, one judge was rendered occasionally unintelligible, co-hosts made awkward jokes – and that was just the first routine! We haven't even gotten to Charo stealing microphones or Erin Andrews missing a cue near the end while a giant David Ross nervously loomed behind her on a screen like some '90s-obsessed authoritarian.
So no, it was not the production booth's best night. But it was very entertaining! And while the show itself was sloppy, the dancing was generally solid – and the sloppiest dancer was shown the door.
As easily predicted, former "SNL" star Chris Kattan was the season's first casualty, quickly eliminated at the end of the night after performing an improved but still stiff and shtick-heavy jazz number. That stiffness, however, was explained last night: The actor broke his neck in a life-threatening accident that put screws and rods along his spine and limited his mobility – a massive part of his comedy that's gone now. Oh. Well, doesn't America feel bad now.
As Kattan noted at the end, though, that might've been something to mention LAST WEEK before people started voting because, after two dances, he's done.
But what of the Elite 11 (real abuse of the word "elite" there, Matt) remaining? The judges had their say last night, but here's where we ranked them, from worst to first.
11. Charo
Dance: Paso doble
Judges' score: 25 out of 40
Our score: Between stealing Tom Bergeron's microphone, picking fights with judge Bruno Tonioli (there's no way something profane wasn't said in their little foreign language-off) and her general age-defying chipperness, "Dancing with the Stars" will be a worse place when this over-caffeinated Tasmanian devil gets voted off. Soooo probably next week thanks to her overtly clunky, offbeat and unsynchronized paso doble. I'm sure Bergeron and Tonioli will be happy, BUT I WON'T.
10. Mr. T
Dance: Paso doble
Judges' score: 22 out of 40
Our score: Everyone put in a lot of effort into Mr. T's paso doble last night: the stagehands for making an impressive boxing ring set, his partner Kym flipping and kicking around everywhere. Unfortunately, the only person who didn't was ... Mr. T. The routine didn't give him much to do but serve as a maypole for Kym to prance around. Perhaps smart, but the show's not called "Dancing Around the Stars," is it? This will be a tough corner to punch out of, but Mr. T still came off amiable and fun, so maybe he lives to see another fight – though Kym's gotta be all out of gimmick dances for him.
9. Nick Viall
Dance: Foxtrot
Judges' score: 25 out of 40
Our score: We now return you to your regularly scheduled Nick Viall bashing. After what I thought was an enjoyably competent performance last week, Wisconsin's own "Bachelor" biffed it this week on the foxtrot, stiffly rag-dolling across the stage and probably pleasing William Shatner in the process. Based on the judge's comments, some of the blame might belong to Peta for mapping out overly complicated routines, especially for a long and lanky dude (as one who walked past him at the Milwaukee Public Market last week, confirmed tall and lanky!). Still, it's not good when Nick's dance ranked amongst two celebrity AARP members and a guy with metal rods holding his spine together.
8. Erika Jayne
Dance: Foxtrot
Judges' score: 28 out of 40
Our score: The "Real Housewives" star pulled an impressive turnaround this week, ditching the unicorn for a police car and trading out the raunch of last week's salsa for something a bit smoother and more sultry in the foxtrot. However, the reality star's still struggling to make much of an impact amongst the bigger names and better dancers. She's dragged out a magical creature and a sexy cop, and yet still she's the last person I remember every week.
7. David Ross
Dance: Cha cha
Judges' score: 27 out of 40
Our score: After last week's surprisingly strong showing, the greyed former catcher came out Monday night dancing like ... well, a greyed former catcher. His steps were off, and the whole routine was pretty shtick-heavy, including a long entrance and a dance break for some funky '90s moves – and not funky in a good way. It was like Buzzfeed choreographed a routine. The charisma and fun persona from the previous week was still intact, though – and how can you vote off a guy wearing parachute pants? In other words, he took a strike, but the count is still in his favor. SPORTS PUNS!
6. Nancy Kerrigan
Dance: Cha cha
Judges' score: 28 out of 40
Our score: Kerrigan's little storyline last night was that rehearsals revealed that she struggles to accept compliments, a problem last night considering she performed a very compliment-worthy routine. It was a little frigid, a little nervy and she definitely spun out at the very end, but overall it was a solid showing. Her real storyline problem, though: What's her role? The Olympian role is taken, as well as the other affable athlete "characters" of various hoofing abilities. Even the role of overqualified celeb is taken by Normani and Heather. Now that Kerrigan proved she can take a compliment, now it's time to show she can stand out.
5. Bonner Bolton
Dance: Viennese waltz
Judges' score: 29 out of 40
Our score: Have you heard about the chemistry between Bolter Bonnon and his partner? Because everyone would like you to know Bolner Bonton and his partner have chemistry together. Tired reality show narratives aside, this week provided an impressive U-turn for Bruce Banner – and not just because he managed to not accidentally molest his partner right in plain sight. Save for a weird pigeon walk on a spin, his waltz was startlingly smooth and a perfect conduit for the duo's chemistry (have you heard about their chemistry?). Buck Bradley's stay on this show might just be longer than I previously predicted. Guess I'm gonna have to start learning his name now ...
4. Simone Biles
Dance: Cha cha
Judges' score: 29 out of 40
Our score: Biles may have dropped down the rankings a bit this week thanks to her solid if not quite spectacular cha cha (the footwork was there; the feeling was a little lacking). But make no mistake: A lukewarm night early in the season won't hinder her road to the finale. If I was betting man, I'd still have my money on Biles to stick the landing. MORE SPORTS PUNS!
3. Heather Morris
Dance: Jive
Judges' score: 30 out of 40
Our score: So her partner's calf exploded and died. ABC never said what Maks' exact injury was, but talking with Tom Bergeron, the "DWTS" vet seemed very down on it. That means it's your time to shine, Random Stand-In Dance Partner Guy! And apparently your time to shine too, Heather, because her jive was good. Really good. Like "not just good for a old celebrity" good, but actually good. And considering the circumstances, that should be beyond impressive. But with her dancing background, the bar for "impressive" is high.
2. Normani Kordei
Dance: Cha cha
Judges' score: 32 out of 40
Our score: Speaking of dances that were not just good for amateur hour, Normani's cha cha was very impressive – almost as though she might have a day job as a globe-trekking pop star! In fact, the only problem I had with the number was the staging, surrounding the small floor area with audience members in chairs that often made the footwork impossible to see. But hey, it's not as though the word dancing is in the title of the show, like it's the whole point and premise of this weekly event. God, last night was a technical nightmare – but you know what was the opposite of a technical nightmare?! Normani's cha cha! Phew, brought that paragraph together.
1. Rashad Jennings
Dance: Viennese waltz
Judges' score: 32 out of 40
Our score: After a beyond solid opening effort, the running back built off last week with a shockingly smooth Viennese waltz. As the judges noted, it was a startlingly effortless dance with Jennings also actually looking like a lead. If he keeps this up – and keeps up the shirtless practices for the ladies in the audience – we could be looking at yet another touchdown for a football player on "Dancing with the Stars" (SPOOOOORTS PUNNNNNNS!). And while a Laurie Hernandez/Simone Biles dance-off is the obvious conclusion to this season, I wouldn't be opposed to a Rashad Jennings vs. Victor Cruz New York Giants dance-off either. Loser gets traded to the Jacksonville Jaguars.
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.
