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Today the goal is to provide some guidance for the enviable minds that make up the Republican side of the Wisconsin State Legislature.
What prompts this advice is the law passed by the Assembly yesterday that would make it okay in Wisconsin to carry concealed knives, including switchblades and machetes.
Let’s pause for just a moment to track the actions of these dunces that have brought us to this point.
Four years ago they decided that it was OK for almost any dope who applied to carry a concealed gun. The law was intended to allow these gunslingers to protect themselves and others from the epidemic of weapon assaults taking place at area shopping centers and 7-Eleven convenience stores.
That wasn’t enough, however, and this summer, before he became one of the briefest presidential candidates in recent history, Gov. Scott Walker signed a bill eliminating the 48-hour waiting period to buy a handgun.
The rationale was that some lawmakers didn’t want to go to a store, buy a gun, go home and have to come back 48 hours later to pick up the deadly weapon.
Now we’ve got the knife thing. A knife, like the deadly Karambit, is important in all the hand-to-hand combat you might run across while waiting in line at Pick ‘n Save.
I guess I think we shouldn’t stop there. As long as we have this legislature and a governor who will sign anything the National Rifle Association likes, let’s not stop there.
First let’s allow possession, concealed in weapon belts, of flashbangs, the weapon designed to disable a person with bright light and a bang sound of more than 170 decibels. The only problem with these things is that they don’t cause permanent injury.
To get around that we could allow people to stuff actual hand grenades in the pockets of their pants or, if you are a woman, in your purse. We can use these when all those roving bands of teenagers scare the crap out of you.
If there is concern about the collateral damage from a hand grenade (wimps), lawmakers could legalize the famed MG36 Heckler & Koch machine gun. It only weighs eight pounds and fires up to 750 rounds per minute.
But we don’t need to stop with these small, hand-held weapons. As the saying goes, "Go Big or Go Home."
Let’s have one of those GOP dummies introduce a bill to legalize the use of Improvised Explosive Devices that a good citizen could plant in the front yard. Friends and mailmen would have to be warned to only use the sidewalk and you have to promise to let the dog out in the backyard only.
If an IED isn’t enough firepower it’s possible that we can find someone from northern Wisconsin who might introduce a bill to let private citizens possess rocket propelled grenades. An RPG is a weapon system that fires rockets equipped with an explosive warhead. Some types of RPG are reloadable, while others are single-use. That choice could cause a real battle on the floor of the Assembly.
If our governor and his playmates decide that we haven’t gone far enough off the ledge, they could allow block watch groups to apply for a license to own a tank. We could put restrictions on the license, like the tank purchased must be built at the Oshkosh Corp. Keep the killing business at home.
I know some readers are going to think that this is all just fanciful dreaming. But 10 years ago who would have thought that Wisconsin would let all kinds of nuts carry guns concealed under their clothes?
Like Forrest Gump said: "Stupid is as stupid does."
With a history in Milwaukee stretching back decades, Dave tries to bring a unique perspective to his writing, whether it's sports, politics, theater or any other issue.
He's seen Milwaukee grow, suffer pangs of growth, strive for success and has been involved in many efforts to both shape and re-shape the city. He's a happy man, now that he's quit playing golf, and enjoys music, his children and grandchildren and the myriad of sports in this state. He loves great food and hates bullies and people who think they are smarter than everyone else.
This whole Internet thing continues to baffle him, but he's willing to play the game as long as OnMilwaukee.com keeps lending him a helping hand. He is constantly amazed that just a few dedicated people can provide so much news and information to a hungry public.
Despite some opinions to the contrary, Dave likes most stuff. But he is a skeptic who constantly wonders about the world around him. So many questions, so few answers.
