In just a month or so I am going to vote for a Republican for the first time in my life. I may have voted for Lee Dreyfus once, but that was so long ago, it doesn't really count.

This time I'm going to vote on Aug. 14 in the Republican primary for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Herb Kohl. The reason is simple. I want Democrat Tammy Baldwin to win the seat, so I'm going to vote for the person I think is the weakest candidate in the field of four Republicans running in the primary.

There are a couple of things that I know for sure, and one of them is that you can't believe any politician from any party – Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Communist, Independent, Green, Tea, Prohibition, Justice, Christian Liberty, Socialist or Modern Whig – about what they say they are going to do. They all will say anything to get elected.

So, I'm going to make my decision on other things. How they look. What they've done in the past. Do they seem like nice guys? Would my dog like them? Have they got good teeth? And, again, what they've done in the past is the best indication of what they'll do if they ever actually get elected.

Let's take a look at the field.

Everybody thinks Tommy Thompson, who spent what seems like a lifetime as governor, is the favorite. I know Tommy pretty well. I've played poker with him and we've shared cocktails in some of his favorite spots.

People wonder why a 71-year-old man wants to be a junior senator who won't have much impact at all in the Senate. The answer is that Tommy loves to be in the game. Despite the fact that he's making a fortune being a member of various boards and a partner in a big law firm, it's boring stuff compared to the action of politics.

When Tommy was governor he ended welfare and started school choice. He built more stuff that has his name on it than any other governor. The Tea Party doesn't think Thompson is conservative enough. Plus, with his new hairpiece and all that makeup, on television he bears a bit of a resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman, cover boy of MAD Magazine.

Eric Hovde scares me. He seems to have all the right stuff. He's very handsome. His wife is very pretty. He is earnest when he talks to people. It seems like he really cares and really believes. He's obviously very smart. He's really rich. He's spending a lot of money on television and radio advertising. He's a hedge fund manager, but isn't every rich guy?

Before he got into this race he moved from Washington D.C., where he lived for 24 years, to a house of luxury on Lake Mendota. He sometimes has the ability to say stupid things and has to spend a lot of time blaming the elite media and explaining himself. All that explaining takes away from his basic message and that might hurt. He has all the makings of a good candidate, though. He could very easily win this primary. I'm frightened of him and did I mention that he's rich?

Mark Neumann looks like the high school vice-principal who carried a walkie-talkie and loved to send kids to detention. He's also got a track record of running for stuff and losing or thinking about running for stuff and dropping out. He's got solid conservative credentials and a lot of personal money.

But he's got two big faults in my book. One is that he uses the word "folks" in almost every speech and a lot of his television advertising. The other is that his wife goes with him everywhere and when he talks about what he has done or what he'd like to do he always uses the word "we."

Somebody should tell Neumann that people normally vote for a candidate, not for a couple that keeps trying to get on "Dancing With The Stars." Neumann has been critical of LGBT rights in the past. In 1996, he commented to The New York Times that "if I was elected God for a day, homosexuality wouldn't be permitted, but nobody's electing me God." Thank God! Neumann has the smell of a perpetual loser around him, so I think we can write him off.

The final candidate in the race is Jeff Fitzgerald. Who, you may ask? Good question! Nobody seems to know and nobody seems to care.

That makes him the perfect candidate in my book, and he can count on my vote so that about three months later Wisconsin can stand tall, sending a solid liberal and the first lesbian to the Senate of the United States. Huzzah!