So the Daytona 500, the biggest stock car race in the world, is in the history books for 2011.
The news was met with a giant yawn by millions and millions of people. Simply put, NASCAR has lost its cachet. It was pretty sexy a couple of years ago to pretend to be a NASCAR fan.
Junior executives and soccer moms all over the country started chewing tobacco and spitting on the ground, saying they were big NASCAR fans. People in northern suburbs started chewing tobacco and spitting on the ground. But those days have passed.
Now, the few people left in the sport, including the famous France family which founded and owns all of NASCAR, are trying to figure out ways to bring NASCAR back to public prominence.
They've made rules changes, like the one that now has drivers touching front and back bumpers together and racing around like nuts. Where I come from that's called tailgating and the cops will arrest you for it.
But I'm a guy who thinks we can never have enough sports. So, with a bow to David Letterman, I've got my top 11 ways to improve NASCAR.
No. 11 -- Eliminate all rules governing the speed of the cars. Let them go as fast as they can possibly go. "Souped up" should be the bywords.
No. 10 -- Pass a rule that all drivers and all members of their crew need to have all their own teeth.
No. 9 -- Get rid of the helmets. What do they think this is, hockey?
No. 8 -- Allow smoking on pit row.
No. 7 -- Remove all walls and fences. Make spectators stand right next to the track.
No. 6 -- A reality show called "Driving With The Stars" on the new Oprah channel. The stars drive NASCAR cars normally run by real drivers. The cast will consist of Kim Kardashian, Kato Kaelin, Gloria Allred, Kevin Federline, Mariah Carey, The Balloon Boy and his father, the OctoMom, Ashton Kutcher, Heidi Montag, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Bristol Pallin, O. J., Paula Abdul, Danny Bonaduce, John Boehner, Kate Gosselin, Tiger Woods, Tila Tequila, Snookie and the Situation, Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz.
No. 5 -- Build potholes into the tracks so that the drivers can relate to us normal folks.
No. 4 -- Alternate laps. One lap in drive the next lap in reverse. It will make the race last longer but the possibilities for major crashes are limitless.
No. 3 -- President Obama names Charlie Sheen to be NASCAR czar to make the sport more fun.
No. 2 -- Make Dale Earnhardt Jr. change his name to Osama bin Laden.
And the No. 1 way to make NASCAR better -- Danica Patrick drives naked.
With a history in Milwaukee stretching back decades, Dave tries to bring a unique perspective to his writing, whether it's sports, politics, theater or any other issue.
He's seen Milwaukee grow, suffer pangs of growth, strive for success and has been involved in many efforts to both shape and re-shape the city. He's a happy man, now that he's quit playing golf, and enjoys music, his children and grandchildren and the myriad of sports in this state. He loves great food and hates bullies and people who think they are smarter than everyone else.
This whole Internet thing continues to baffle him, but he's willing to play the game as long as OnMilwaukee.com keeps lending him a helping hand. He is constantly amazed that just a few dedicated people can provide so much news and information to a hungry public.
Despite some opinions to the contrary, Dave likes most stuff. But he is a skeptic who constantly wonders about the world around him. So many questions, so few answers.
