By Matt Mueller Culture Editor Published Jul 17, 2018 at 3:06 AM

Hometown date week on "The Bachelorette" has always had an odd place in my heart.

Not that it's any less fake and scripted as any other week on this silly show; in fact, it might be even more so. A family member always has Very Serious Concerns about the main relationship, normally with some kind of alarming quote like "I can't give you my blessing" or – in this season's case – "I hope you DON'T pick him" that's perfect for the ads. The lead then pulls out some vague talk about how much they care and really like their son or daughter, maybe bringing up some personal trauma along the way.

The family member is then magically cured of their dubiousness and suddenly believes in the power of TV romance. Rinse and repeat three more times. Toss in a rose ceremony, a cute kid and Chris Harrison for five seconds somewhere because you might as well be paying his million-dollar salary for SOMETHING. And boom: hometowns. 

But hometown week is the one time every season where real people are allowed to drop by with legitimate concerns and poke holes into the fabricated fantasy universe of "The Bachelorette." The one time that somebody comes on and says, however vaguely they are allowed, "Hey, do you really think the person you met alongside 30 other suitors and have interacted with for about maybe eight hours in total is really, truly the one? Also: ISN'T THIS PROCESS INSANE?!"

For two hours, the show realizes there's a world outside unlimited vacations, free fantasy dates and hot tub make-out sessions. There will also be mundane small towns, awkward family dinners and addressing emotional baggage. Oh, and this year, supposed besties undercutting your fledgling relationship in the hopes of stealing your man. Points for a new one this season, "The Bachelorette"!

More on that later, however; first we've got our hometown dates with "four solid men who are stand-up guys," according to Becca. Cue dumb-smiling Garrett bounding on screen without a care, as if the world doesn't know he's a transphobic conspiracy theorist. (A reminder to "Bachelorette" producers: Consider vetting your contestants next time!)

Before meeting his parents, however, Garrett decides to teach Becca about the family business with a little lesson in farming – namely planting tomatoes, which Becca turns out to be terrible at. THE HARVEST IS RUINED! Poor Carlos the tractor driver, who probably had to replant everything after the lovebirds were done.

Other than that agricultural adventure, however, the hometown date goes boringly well enough. The Very Serious Concern here is that Garrett had his heart broken before in his failed marriage, and the family wants to make sure he's fully moved on and is truly ready for another shot at love – as well as ready in case she chooses somebody else. But Garrett seems smiley and happily in love, and none of the parents or siblings seem that overbearing. Yawn. 

That takes us to Jason's hometown of Buffalo, New York. And what else is there to do in Buffalo than knock back a whole tray full of buffalo wings in the bar that created them? Well, I guess knock back a 12-pack of Miller Lite and pile-drive somebody through a flaming folding table during a Bills tailgate, but Becca came on "The Bachelorette" for a ring, not a medical halo screwed into her newly fractured spine. 

So they head to Anchor Bar in Buffalo where the famed wings were supposedly invented and partake in a little eating contest. More so than the family dinner, this is a Trust Meal – as in I trust that you will still love me after I gobble down a dozen of these little meat pebbles and have a face that looks like the condiment aisle at the grocery store exploded in front of me.

The two then go ice skating at a local rink, which is cute. When I was 10, I went ice skating, tripped over my friend and cracked my chin open on the ice. This goes considerably better than that. Jason challenges her to save a shot from him; considering she's wearing no pads and no helmet, she stands almost no chance – and predictably, he scores a goal and a smooch.

But thankfully he did it all gentlemanly and didn't knucklepuck it into her forehead. The two then take a zamboni ride, making out on the vehicle's massive hood ... all while a guy sits five feet away driving the damn thing. How romantic. I hope that guy and Carlos got beers after this episode.

Jason's actual family dinner goes fine, as well. The Very Serious Concern in his household is that he's always been guarded, but other than some mild trepidation from his mother, things go nicely. There's also a married gay couple in the family, which is probably the closest this show will come in decades to having a gay lead. (We haven't even had a black Bachelor yet.)

The charming duo gets Jason's big speech about how special and happy he feels around Becca, to which they immediately and astutely ask why THEY got that soliloquy instead of her. So he goes to give Becca his speech (again) and it goes over great, winning some Becca swoons. AND THEY SAID GAY MARRIAGE WOULD BE A THREAT TO TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE.

We then head back west to picturesque Bailey, Colorado for Blake's hometown date, where he starts things off by taking Becca to his nice-ass high school. There's the photo of him looking like YouTuber Logan Paul back in the day. There's his teachers, who are probably very annoyed they had to come in on a Saturday for this. And there's the library, where his mom probably cheated on his dad with his basketball coach and English teacher.

That's far from the worst of it, though, as Blake reveals that when he was a student, there was a school shooting – one that took the life of a young girl. Blake gives Becca his brief recollection of the events – the full details of the crime are even more repulsive and horrific – and even if it's just a short moment, depoliticized as much as possible (this is "The Bachelorette," after all, where they've proven themselves not exactly adept at handling real-world conversations), it's a haunting visit, a cold snap to reality.

As a sign says in the background, however, the town is #BaileyStrong, defiantly moving forward in the face of evil and celebrating life – quite literally at the end of the date, where the two walk into a gymnasium filled with people and a performance from ... not a no-name country singer?! Indeed. Instead it's a concert from legitimate pop star Betty Who. Blake, you are just full of surprises – even if the rest of your hometown date is not.

At dinner, the family is all charming and fine, asking the right questions and not prying too hard into the dubious process of the show's matchmaking – and, most disappointing, totally civil despite the cheating schoolteacher stuff. Not even one thrown plate or backhanded barb. Harrumph, I say.

The drama is coming, however, as we stay in the same state for the final hometown date of the episode with Colton, who takes Becca to a children's hospital where he volunteers his time with some sick kids and Jackson Pollocks all over some walls with them. And if that's not precious enough, he then takes Becca home to meet seemingly his entire lineage – including little cousin Harper, the inspiration for his charity work (she, too, suffers cystic fibrosis) and a little inquisitor who asks in a cute whisper, "Is she your girlfriend?" Daww. Now she should take Becca aside and just lay into her with intense questions about her past relationships. No? Fair, "Bachelorette" producers.

Instead, the rest of the family takes up that responsibility, noting that while Colton has been open about his past relationships and Tia drama, she too must be open about her aborted marriage with Arie. Also, Becca and Colton's mom talk about how Colton's a virgin. It's as awkward as it sounds ... so let's jump back into that Tia drama!

Becca decides this rose ceremony is too intense to leave just up to herself, so she gathers the ladies who know her best in the world to chat about her choices. And apparently that's Tia, Bekah, Sienne, Kendall and ... (*checks "The Bachelor" Wikipedia page*) ... Caroline(?) from Arie's season.

I always feel kind of sad for "Bachelor" and "Bachelorette" stars when they reveal THESE are the people who know them best. No childhood friends. No college buddies. No one from the first 28 or so years of their lives. Nope, the people who apparently know them best are a handful of strangers they met six months ago while all making out with the same guy and competing for his attention. Not exactly the sturdiest foundation for a lasting friendship!

Case in point: While Becca recaps the episode we're literally still watching, she tells the ladies that Colton is amongst the final four – and Tia, to whom the editors not so sneakily cut in every reaction shot, calls for a timeout. As it turns out, that thing she said earlier this season about her and Colton being over and her moving on from him? Well ... the opposite of that!

She's very much not over him and very much would like to date him, please. Oops. What a sneaky, snakey move from a supposed friend! You had your chance, it didn't work out – swallow your pride and don't ruin your friend's relationship in the process. This ain't about you! I'M STARTING TO THINK THESE PEOPLE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW YOU BEST, BECCA!

So that's a lot for Becca to think about. Meanwhile, Colton's clearly thinking about next week: fantasy suite week. Aka "The Bachelorette" Has Sexy Time Week. So Colton, on his way to the rose ceremony, asks Harrison about ... what exactly IS fantasy suite week like? Or, put another way, he basically asks Harrison to give him the birds and the bees talk. And while Harrison may be paid a ridiculous amount of money for somebody who now just lets people know what city they're in and alerts contestants to the amount of roses left on the table sitting right in front of them, he isn't getting paid enough to give a grown-ass man a sex talk. 

Thankfully, Colton's inquisitiveness was a little, um, premature, because Becca gives him the boot. Jason, Garrett and Blake are now all off to Thailand for fantasy suite week, while Colton is almost assuredly off to "Bachelor in Paradise." I'm sure he and Tia will have plenty to talk about. 

Matt Mueller Culture Editor

As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that one has always had a passion for film, Matt Mueller has always had a passion for film. Whether it was bringing in the latest movie reviews for his first grade show-and-tell or writing film reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is way too obsessed with movies for his own good.

When he's not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking much too glowingly about "Piranha 3D," Matt can probably be found watching literally any sport (minus cricket) or working at - get this - a local movie theater. Or watching a movie. Yeah, he's probably watching a movie.