I confess that I generally don't like fantasy suite night on "The Bachelor." I know the whole premise of the show is a mild mockery of the concept of dating, but there's something particularly gross about a guy feigning a special and intimate connection with a woman in the hopes of getting to sleep with her ... and then repeating the process two additional times with two different women, all while the music swoons and people use the word "love" like it's the Hallmark Company the day before Valentine's Day. It's sleaze sold as sweetness. 

But props to "The Bachelor": The producers found a whole new and unexpected way to make this particular fantasy suite episode even more gross and uncomfortable than usual. That's an achievement ... of sorts. 

Almost immediately after Arie's final date with Becca K. in gorgeous Ica, Peru ("I could see myself falling in love in Peru," says Arie, as if that is impressive feat. Try falling in love in a Burger King parking lot.), our star gets a surprise visitor: Ross, Becca K.'s ex boyfriend who tracked her down and JUST HAPPENED to arrive just in time for extra drama. Dude is going to be so embarrassed when he discovers hometown dates were just the week before and he could've done this all without having to renew his passport. Or maybe he had some frequent flyer miles to kill. Or, more realistically, ABC knew they had two hours to fill, and they sure as hell knew Lauren B. smalltalk wasn't gonna fill it.

Who else thinks #TheBachelor producers emailed the women’s exes with the subject line "Free Trip to Peru"? — Laura Blyton (@BlytonLaura) February 27, 2018

Either way, he's on Arie's doorstep because, even though he and Becca K. broke up about a year ago, he can't stand the idea that somebody else is about to potentially propose to her – a proposal he calls "his to give." Of course, first he had to discover the show ends with a marriage proposal, something he supposedly just found out. No wonder Becca K. bailed. Also, this show is one for 21 when it comes to the couples actually lasting, so just wait until the reality show glow wears off and the two break up in 13 months to make your big confession of love.

Anyways, Ross is here to get his girl back – his words, not mine, each time said like he's picking up luggage from baggage claim. And make no mistake: You can put this guy in a nice suit and slick haircut, but he's just a stalker who had no right to be on television Monday night. But instead ABC indulged this controlling, creepy guy and put him on television in the name of drama because there is no idea bad enough that "The Bachelor" will say no to. So Arie talks to the guy and asks him to respect their relationship, but Ross will not be deterred, so he heads off to find Becca K. (quite easily at that, in case you needed proof that this was just a contrived plot line). 

What follows was all the fun of going out to dinner and getting stuck sitting next to an arguing couple. Becca K. opens the door and clearly has no interest in Ross being around, but forced by the situation to be polite, gives him a few minutes in the stairwell to explain his stalker-esque lunacy. She criticizes him for thinking life is like "The Notebook"; he responds that he does. Reminder: "The Notebook" is a movie about a guy who threatens to kill himself if a girl does not go out with him. IT. IS. NOT. CHARMING.

And neither is this guy hunting down his ex-girlfriend across the globe and interrupting her dating life because he believes she belongs to him. And even if he truly thought they were just on a break – spoiler alert – if your ex goes on a show explicitly about dating someone new, she's moved on.

But while she's going through one of the worst moments of her life, broadcast on television, the producers play ginger, sweet music as if anything Ross is doing is remotely charming or sweet or anything but remarkably selfish. Screw this guy; kick him off the show and kick him off the planet. The same for the producers who thought this was a good idea too. And Arie too, who, after the confrontation, questions Becca K. as if she's done anything wrong. Suddenly she's having to apologize to him for something she didn't do, for having a man in her past who doesn't know boundaries, for another man's mediocrity and unwillingness to accept it. 

At its best, this storyline detour was boring. At its worst, I wanted to mace my television screen.

Unfortunately the rest of the episode was pretty middling at best as well; I missed the charisma from the Women Tell All the night before (even Arie seemed untethered from his usual wallpaper paste personality). Peru looks nice though! Four stars for Peru!

The rest of Becca K.'s date, pre-stupid Ross's arrival, was fine, as the two went out on a boat trip to an island filled with seals and birds (thankfully Alfred Hitchcock wasn't along for the ride). And any boat trip requires a couple to do the "Titanic" pose. I believe it's in the Constitution. But at least she admitted, "We are so cliche." She asks about what he expects from her in terms of relocating; he notes that he wants her to move in on her own terms, at her own pace. It's all ... there.

She's really into him to a level that's almost alarming, like everything he says is a clunky enchantment. Girl, you've known him for two months – and he's been making out of at least a dozen other women at the same time. Pump the breaks at least a touch. No wonder ABC felt like they needed to indulge some Lifetime Movie stalker action to add in some drama. At least they got a nifty desert tent in the middle of the dunes to have their fantasy suite night of romance. Would hate to have to vacuum that thing. 

Kendall also gets a date out in the dunes, as she meets with Arie in the middle of "Mad Max: Fury Road" for some dune buggy fun. Because Arie likes cars (but not enough to drive this one, so they get an awkward dune buggy Uber driver). Their driver drops them off at their dune destination, where the two surf down the sandy wave and make out in all the sand OH DON'T DO THAT! That sand is going to get everywhere.

Kendall starts off the day convinced that, "If Arie proposed to me today, I'd probably say no" because she wants to make sure he's not just dating her as a novelty item and that the emotions are real. But after their dune adventure and a nice dinner, she's convinced and the two fantasy suite it up on the world's shortest bed. Even Tom Cruise's feet would be dangling off the end of that stumpy little Sleep Number. 

Then there's Lauren B., who gets to fly over all the fantastic Nazca lines ... and has nothing to say. I get it; she's inherently protective of her heart and nervous about falling for a guy dating two other women. But maybe if you want to date somebody who's only seeing you, YOU DON'T SIGN UP FOR THE DATING SHOW ABOUT A GUY DATING 29 WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME. Arie delivers a big speech in the hopes of winning her heart fully over, and she responds with, "Eh, well, that's why I'm here LOLZ" and an "I love you" with a smile that looks like a fart just passed through her lips. But the show is happy for them, so strike up the weird acoustic version of "How Do I Live" and strike up the fantasy suite. Then he heads off in the morning – dressed like he's going to play some pick-up basketball with Philip Seymour Hoffman's character from "Along Came Polly."

WHAT ARE THOSE #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/rLSIrTMjN6 — Brett S. Verg-ARIE 🌹 (@BrettSVergara) February 27, 2018

After all of that, we finally get to the rose ceremony – and of course, Arie takes Kendall aside and ends their relationship. She's still "the quirky contestant" and those don't win – plus she barely made it through last week over Tia. The only drama in the moment is that she handles the breakup like a freaking champion, holding it mostly together until the SUV ride home – and even then, it's not waterfalls. I suppose you have to be pretty confident to make the first foot you put out into the national spotlight a dead animal paw. 

Arie then still goes through the rose ceremony motions, despite there only being two people and two roses. Hey, I like your commitment! WE HAVE THESE PROCEDURES FOR A REASON!

So it's Becca K. versus Lauren B. Who will win? Considering the tear-filled clips shown for next week's finale, Arie's regret-filled answers (you don't talk about regretting your decisions and choices if you've got a fiancee in the wings) and Caroline's cryptic chiding during Sunday night's Women Tell All, I don't think we're getting a happy ending. Because we DEFINITELY needed more of a reason to consider this season a bland filler waste. Nobody's winning this season. Not Arie. Not the ladies. And certainly not you, Ross.