Unlike its parent shows, "Bachelor in Paradise" actually seems like it would be fun.

You can lay on a beautiful summer beach all day. You're surrounded by fellow Instagram models, and the only task you have is to maybe fall in love – sorry, "fall" "in" "love" – with one of them. The drinks are free (though they are being mixed by fellow reality stars, so most of them probably taste like bilge water). It seems like it would be a good time ... unless you have the kind of night Colton had on "Bachelor in Paradise" Monday night, a brutal level of on-screen torture that made me wonder if Jigsaw was sitting in the director's chair. And here I was going into the night thinking he was a villain. Instead I went from hating him to hoping somebody would hug him.

Colton and Tia return from their much-ballyhooed date, and Astrid asks the question we're all wondering: Did Tia's vagina dance? There has to be better euphemisms. Meanwhile, the fellas are less excited about butterflies and more excited about grilling Colton, trying to figure out if he's actually into Tia or just dragging her along as a safety valve while he explores the rest of his options. And that's literally what Colton says he's doing – while also admitting he's still in love with Becca, too, after getting dumped maybe a month ago. Maybe coming out here was a bad idea, Colton. I know sitting on a beach for a bonus few weeks sounds great, but clearly you've got thinking to do – a hard task when Chris R. is reenacting "Karate Kid" at dawn to the point that even Jordan thinks he looks like a dingus. 

To make matters even more confused for Colton, he starts throwing spirals with ... Amber? Ashley? I know it's a name that begins with A ... maybe. Supposedly she was on Nick's season? Are we sure she isn't a figment of our collective imaginations and that Colton wasn't throwing a football to nobody like a mad person? Real or not, Tia's displeased about the lack of certainly she's getting from Colton – so a dramatic confrontation must be afoot!

But first, everyone else. Jordan is still hitting it off with Bumper Car Trauma Girl, so much so he's getting the producers to summon him a three-course beachside meal and maybe some mariachi singers for a nice date – and he doesn't even have a date card. Dude's putting in effort! But then Chicken Man David shows up, suspicious of Jordan's redemption tour and busting out the same "I think he just wants to settle for you" nonsense from Becca's season. GET OUT OF HERE, CHICKEN MAN.

Nobody wants your fake snitch nonsense – and Jordan seems different. He actually ASKED QUESTIONS on his dinner date. Not about modeling! With FOLLOW-UPS AND EVERYTHING! Sure, he's still his favorite subject ... but baby steps, my Gold-Underweared Padawan.

 As for the actual date card, that belongs to KENNY! who decides to give it a go with ... Krystal. Oh boy, if you had told me before this season that a saint man like KENNY! would go on a date with annoyingly ASMR-voiced villain Krystal, I would've personally flown a plane to whatever island these people are on, dragged him off that beach and flown to an undisclosed location in witness protection in order to stop it from happening. I now understand The Rock's character motivation in literally every action movie he's in these days. I MUST PROTECT YOU; I WILL JUMP OFF A MONDO-CRANE IF I MUST.

But then the date happens and ... it's kind of great? Surprisingly no one, they go to a Lucha fight, one that KENNY! gets "spontaneously" dragged into. Of course it's scripted but then again, it's wrestling so OF COURSE it's scripted. It's like a Russian nesting doll of fakeness – which somehow makes it feel more real?

But what I like is that, during this date you see something you rarely ever see on these shows: passion. Typically every emotion on "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" is puppy love. These people meet a person and fall immediately in blind infatuation, saying generic romantic things and going on bland fun dates that producers put together for them at random.

But watching KENNY! explain the Lucha match to Krystal throughout the date, clearly in love with the art behind the show and in love with sharing that interest with another person, felt like an actual date: kinda sweet and cute and goofy and passionate. By the end of the date, shockingly enough, I could dig these two together.

Somebody who couldn't, though, is Kevin, who definitely thought he and Krystal were a thing until KENNY! showed up, being all handsome and charming and just generally better. Luckily for everyone involved (except for "Bachelor in Paradise" producers wanting more drama) Kevin is too Canadian to be upset about the situation. Even more lucky, he starts hitting it off with Astrid, and even despite the efforts of a pesky lizard buddy, the two become kind of a thing. NICE TRY, GEICO MASCOT! 

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, more couples start cementing their status. Jordan gets Analiese a giant stuffed animal dog (aka the producers got Jordan a giant stuffed animal dog), so she promises him a rose. Nick makes another run at Chelsea, summoning all of his suave abilities ... into yet another half-asleep profane rant about why he's into her and why this show is harder than his real job. So no, it doesn't go well. "If I don't get a rose, I have no business being here," he whines afterward. WELP, THAT IS THE CONCEPT OF THE SHOW, BRO.

Meanwhile Grocery Joe and Kendall are literally the cutest thing on earth – and that's even with her busting out Possessed Linda Blair voice – and Bibiana implies that everyone on the beach (maybe even including the camera crew and my B-roll crab buddies from last week) would be super fine if Colton got the hell out. 

Speaking of which, Colton and Tia have an official state of the union meeting on the beach – complete with DRAMATIC LIGHTNING. He feels like he owes it to himself to explore his options. Tia feels like she's getting dragged along. Personally, I land on her side since he clearly has no idea what he wants right now – feeling something for Tia, while also still feeling something for Becca, while ALSO feeling something for the other beautiful people he's stuck on this beach with. And that's just way too much going on for Tia, so she drops some spicy fire and basically says that he better get to meeting the rest of the ladies on the show if he plans on staying on this free vacation.

Then Chris R. shows up with Southern sweet tea and nice words for Tia – and Colton, when you make the formerly creepy-ass Chris R. look like the good guy in a storyline, YOU HAVE MADE GRAVE MISTAKES, GOOD SIR. 

Colton tries rescuing his spot on the show by hanging out with ... Adeline? Abby? Angelina? But she's like, "Hey, aren't you that guy who's still in love with that other girl? And also still in love with that OTHER other girl?" So not exactly inspiring confidence. He harrumphs off to Jordan, Nick and Chris R. because "they've got his name in their mouth" – which, please, stop it with that phrase, Colton; it's not working – but you don't get to complain about guys saying you're emotionally confused and in love with several women when you're clearly emotionally confused and in love with several women. Again, making me side with Chris R., YOU MONSTER.

So it's time to hand out roses. Krystal and KENNY! are a pair. Astrid and Kevin as well. Then Tia gives her rose ... to Chris R., who, yes, kinda gets swerved for a hug when he goes in for a kiss, but he also got the rose so I'm sure he's fine with how his night's going. Joe and Kendall, Eric and Nysha (remember them? They're on this show too!) Analiese and Jordan, and Chelsey and Chicken Man (...what?) are the rest of the pairings until we come to ... Ashanti? Asparagus? Apricot? Let's just call her Colton's Last Chance tonight. But instead, she goes with John, pretty much signing Colton's death warrant.

OR DID SHE?! Because in swoops Bibiana at the last minute, told by the producers out of nowhere deciding to give her rose to Colton because she believes he should be able to show his true colors more on the show. Pardon me, Bibi, but didn't we decide a few minutes ago that everyone would be happier on this show if Colton was shipped out? AND WILLS WAS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. And now he's gone and sad and really bummed out. Thanks a lot, "Bachelor" producers Bibiana. At least we got some A-grade Tia reactions, all on various levels of the "da fuq?!" spectrum. 

So congrats to Colton, I guess, for surviving certain death ... though with what happens next, I think he would've taken certain death. 

Harrison shows up and immediately everyone is annoyed. I wonder how Harrison feels about being on a show where everyone's reaction to your arrival is, "UUUUUGH, THIS GUY, WHAT'S HE GONNA PULL NOW?" Can't be good for the self-esteem. Also not goof for the self-esteem: having to see the woman who just recently dumped you on national television while you're already trying (and failing) to move on to other people! But that's exactly what happens to Colton, as the show brings in Becca to chat with the ladies. Or just Tia, which really just seems cruel. It's like they just brought her on to taunt Colton with his ex-girlfriend talking with the other woman he has confused feelings for.

It's basically just a torture session, with Tia and Becca casually talking about Colton (and also just how nice the beach looks) while he looks on from a distance sobbing because, damn, this guy is clearly not over anything he's been going through. And really, torture session is generous because he'd probably prefer one of those medieval coffins with all the spikes inside of it at this point. After spending most of this episode annoyed by him and wanting him to go, I've somehow found myself extremely sympathetic to his poor, confused, wounded heart – and also now REALLY want him to go before the show literally straps him to one of those spine-stretching torture tables. 

But first, "Bachelor in Paradise" must send Becca to talk to him. Tune in next week when Colton has to talk to her, then get dangled above a Judas cradle! Don't look it up!